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Me, myself, and I....
- chanel Duffy
- Mar 21
- 4 min read
Understanding all the parts that make you, you! And why they were created in the first place
When we talk about healing from childhood experiences, people often assume we need to heal from huge traumatic experiences. Oh no honey, it's also the little experiences that need healing too. The things we should have received but for some reason, never did. Or, if we did, it wasn't consistent enough. The love that was given but maybe not consistently enough. The mother who loved, but for some reason, you never felt like you could receive her love. It's the little things that we should have received consistently as a child, but never did, that can create huge trauma in us without us even realising it. Until the day we feel utterly fucked and realise something is off. We then either confront or do what i did for many many years, suppress and deny!! (Not recommended unless you want some serious mental health disorders)
Believe it or not, each of us has multiple internal "parts"—a concept developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz, known as Internal Family Systems (IFS). Remember, I said parts, not voices. If you have multiple voices going on, i suggest maybe seeking some help.......Think of these parts as different aspects of your personality, each created for a specific purpose. They develop naturally, especially during our early years, as we navigate our environments, relationships, and experiences.
Dr. Schwartz explains that within each of us exists a "Self"—the calm, compassionate, and curious core of our identity. The real version of us if you like. Surrounding this Self are various parts that form as we respond to life circumstances. According to IFS theory, these parts typically fall into three categories: "Managers," "Exiles," and "Firefighters."
Managers are the proactive parts that help us function daily, striving to maintain control, avoid discomfort, and ensure we're seen positively by others. Exiles, on the other hand, carry the emotional wounds, memories, and vulnerabilities from past experiences. Because these emotions can feel overwhelming or threatening, we tend to suppress or isolate these parts to protect ourselves. Finally, Firefighters are reactive parts that quickly step in to soothe or distract us when exiles surface, often using behaviors such as overeating, substance use, or emotional withdrawal.
You might notice that certain parts of you come forward in different situations. For example, a Manager part may appear confident and outgoing during social events, while an Exile part might feel anxious or reserved when you experience vulnerability. Each of these parts emerged to help you manage and adapt to your surroundings, ensuring safety, acceptance, and connection with others.
Remember, It's important to understand that "trauma" isn't just about big, dramatic events. Like i previously said, trauma can also include smaller, ongoing experiences—such as repeatedly feeling ignored, misunderstood, or invalidated as a child. Even these subtle experiences shape how our parts develop. When we feel that certain emotions or behaviors might risk rejection or criticism, we naturally begin to hide or suppress those parts of ourselves. Like me with my mum, i learnt very quickly not to cry, or i'll have something to cry about!!!!!! Over time, this creates an internal division, where some parts of us become dominant, and others remain hidden or disconnected.
Why on gods green earth does this happen? It's our brain's way of protecting us. If, for instance, expressing sadness frequently led to dismissal or disapproval in your family, you might have developed a Manager part that suppresses sadness and presents resilience instead. This parts' purpose is to shield you from rejection. While initially helpful, over time, this can cause challenges, like difficulty in expressing genuine feelings or maintaining authentic relationships.
Understanding and healing these parts means approaching them with compassion and curiosity. Dr. Schwartz emphasizes the importance of reconnecting with the Self—your compassionate core—which can then communicate with each part to uncover their purpose and soothe their underlying fears or pain. Recognizing that each part originally formed to protect you helps reduce self-judgment and creates space for genuine self-compassion and integration. Each part is valid and was once very much needed at one point in your life.
The question to ask yourself would be, why were these different parts to you created, and when? Are they still needed, and do they help or hinder? A lot of mine had to go. They helped me greatly growing up, but my god, were they holding me back as an adult. I no longer need the part that is hypervigilant. I no longer need to scan rooms and mould myself to please people so i am loved, seen and accepted. I no longer need to make and keep people happy while i convince them i'm worthy of their love. Peoples emotions are not my responsibility, so the part of me that believes she had to make everyone happy had to be healed. i had to teach her that being liked wasn't transactional. I didn't have to do anything to be liked. I just have to be the part of me that was there before i created the other parts in order to survive. My true authentic self.